I'm still trying to get used to this blogging thing. I've journalled in notebooks for years but I feel that I will be more apt to use a blog on a more regular basis. The drawback I'm finding is that I feel I'm still censoring myself a bit... it's kind of scary being out there on the internet for anyone to see. I ask myself, am I really anonymous or does someone know who this is?
In fact, I have to wonder if my Monday blues have to do with starting this new venture. I am feeling better now and thankfully those 'down' days don't happen nearly as often as they used to (thanks for modern pharmaceuticals and a great therapist.)
So... what I am trying to figure out? What is it that I really want. Not what he or she wants, but me.
Do I want to continue living where I do?
I love my job, but I don't care for my location much.
Am I ready to 'settle down' with a significant other(s)?
I am deeply in love with a man out of state, but I'm not ready to settle down yet. I think what I'm really looking for right now is a couple that will adore me, play with me and have fun in all senses together without tension. I want them to love each other more than me, so that when I move along our friendship can stay intact (and so the ugly head of jealousy does show up.) Perhaps I just want it all.
Yes, I sometimes drink too much and make bad decisions but then I awake to a new day and do my damnedest to say "I still love you... you are perfectly imperfect."
Monday, February 28, 2011
Monday blah...
Well it's Monday morning and I have a slight case of the blues. I feel like crawling back into bed and lazing around watching TV and dozing off here and there... I don't have much motivation today obviously.
I did some yoga this morning but it didn't seem to give me the boost I needed (or perhaps I would be more in the doldrums had I not.)
These are the time that I want to talk to people, but I don't... I don't want to bring them down, I don't want to be a burden. Ironically, these are the times that I probably should be leaning on my support system. I just don't quite know what to do with myself today.
But at least I know it will pass...
I did some yoga this morning but it didn't seem to give me the boost I needed (or perhaps I would be more in the doldrums had I not.)
These are the time that I want to talk to people, but I don't... I don't want to bring them down, I don't want to be a burden. Ironically, these are the times that I probably should be leaning on my support system. I just don't quite know what to do with myself today.
But at least I know it will pass...
Sunday, February 27, 2011
Single and Sexy
This is probably the first time in my life that I have actually been single in the full sense of the word. It's definitely the first time in fifteen years... what do I do with myself?
Yes, I came dangerously close to jumping right into another serious relationship but was saved by his good sense to tell me we need to wait... six months later I am grateful for that insight.
In the mean time I have jumped into bed with a few people I really should not have, including my ex-husband. Fine opportunities to learn self forgiveness. I find the more I beat myself up with guilt more likely I am to repeat the patterns, so when I make a mistake I'm training myself to suck it up and begin a new day.
Meanwhile, after having little to no sex drive over the past fifteen years, my hormones are now at full throttle... which can be quite a dangerous situation. Do you have any idea how hard it is to think clearly with no blood in the prefrontal cortex? I recently came dangerously close to making a big and horrible mistake but thank goodness we came to our senses at the last moment.
Now I'm looking for safe outlets I suppose. It is a bit miserable being as sexually frustrated as I am right now (when masturbation doesn't even really help.) I've also heard the 'your a woman, you can get laid anytime you want" line. True, but that would entail putting myself in some dangerous situations and I'm tired of the drama... so I sit here in my slutty glory trying to figure out ways to release and focus on other things.
Yes, I came dangerously close to jumping right into another serious relationship but was saved by his good sense to tell me we need to wait... six months later I am grateful for that insight.
In the mean time I have jumped into bed with a few people I really should not have, including my ex-husband. Fine opportunities to learn self forgiveness. I find the more I beat myself up with guilt more likely I am to repeat the patterns, so when I make a mistake I'm training myself to suck it up and begin a new day.
Meanwhile, after having little to no sex drive over the past fifteen years, my hormones are now at full throttle... which can be quite a dangerous situation. Do you have any idea how hard it is to think clearly with no blood in the prefrontal cortex? I recently came dangerously close to making a big and horrible mistake but thank goodness we came to our senses at the last moment.
Now I'm looking for safe outlets I suppose. It is a bit miserable being as sexually frustrated as I am right now (when masturbation doesn't even really help.) I've also heard the 'your a woman, you can get laid anytime you want" line. True, but that would entail putting myself in some dangerous situations and I'm tired of the drama... so I sit here in my slutty glory trying to figure out ways to release and focus on other things.
Therapy In a Keyboard
So the purpose of this blog is to journal my thoughts, emotions and ideas to gain perspective in my journey through life. I've just completed six months of therapy and plan to continue my therapy on my own, through this blog.
What is the most important thing I've learned in the last half of a year? I am not perfect nor will I ever be.... whew! What a relief!! I'm learning to accept and love myself... the good, the bad and the ugly - which when you really think about it, most of that is perception and/or opinion.
What is the most important thing I've learned in the last half of a year? I am not perfect nor will I ever be.... whew! What a relief!! I'm learning to accept and love myself... the good, the bad and the ugly - which when you really think about it, most of that is perception and/or opinion.
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